Wednesday, 10 December 2008

My crazy brain in tangles

How come my glass is always half empty?

The vet phoned this morning: Jez has an appointment with the specialist on Monday. It’s just that from his tone and what he said (plus what he said when I spoke to him last week) I got the distinct feeling that he didn’t think the prognosis was very good. And he’s really unhappy about the dose of her meds that she’s on, and the length of time she’s been on them. I run out of them on Saturday but he won’t give me any more. He says I should take her off them for 24 hours before the specialist can see her, so that he can see just how bad she is and make a proper assessment. Which makes sense. But I got the feeling he was also saying so that we could see just how bad she is.

I keep thinking back to what he said last time I spoke to him. He explained why he wasn’t sending her to the closer specialist by giving me an example of a dog that had been in a road accident. The specialist in Ringwood said he could fix whatever it was it was being referred for, but apparently the dog’s injuries were such that it just wasn’t going to survive. He told me the owners took the right decision and had the dog put to sleep.

So now I’m terrified that that’s what he’s hinting they are going to say about Jez: that they can’t fix her and that she’s in so much pain that the kindest this would be to put her to sleep. But surely they must be able to do something to help her? I’m so scared for my little dog. I couldn’t do that to her. It would be different if she had some terminal illness, but she’s so young and healthy, apart from this fucked up knee. So I’m dreading the appointment on Monday. It’s so long since we had good news about her. And I daren’t say anything to Chris – he’ll only shout at me. So here I am writing about it as usual.
I tried to take my mind off it for a while this morning by raking up the leaves YET AGAIN. I’ve only done the back lawn though. I’ll have to sweep the drive AGAIN tomorrow.

I thought I was going to meet Val for dinner tonight after she cancelled last week, but it turns out I got my wires crossed and she meant next week.

So anyway, I’ve had this song going through my head all day – round and round:

Hold me tight
Keep me cool
Going mad
Don't know what to do
Do I need a friend?
Well, I need one now

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